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今天，不，应该说是昨天，我又挨打了，昏沉中，已然分不清今天与昨天，今天不过日日重复的昨天。从下午到深夜，独自一人去医院验伤，又独自一人去派出所做笔录，还是那家熟悉的派出所，五年前，我在那里死过。
这是一条熟悉的死路，起于惊心，抵于麻木。当暴力贯穿我的生命，再也用不着拍案惊奇，我不再天真，不再想问这是怎样的因果循环、怎样的冤孽因沉？！我不明白，但时至今日，却也懒得去问个明白。
食指上还残留着在东关大街派出所按下的无数的红色印痕，大约五年前，也是这么一个疲惫的凌晨，我从那里被押上一辆囚车，送往济南看守所。
在那里，短短的三十日，我辗转过四处囚所，唯有被单独关押于一间斗室时，虽戴着手铐脚镣，却最感自在。
我是真的不适应这个社会，在囚室里，当我发现那二三十人的空间竟也是外面那些大金字塔的缩影时，不觉愕然，头铺的老大稳坐塔尖，底下竟也役使着几个仆从，而一群胆小懦弱的囚徒则构成金字塔的基座。
我这样的人惯于得罪当道，即使在监狱里也不例外，只是在那里被打，看得更通透些。老大漏个口风，自有奋勇向前者。在监狱外，人海茫茫，反而雾里看花。
眼疼、头疼、腿疼，手也疼……这样的囚徒人生是不是可以结束了……
The Beatings I’ve Endured Over the Years
Today—no, it should be yesterday—I was beaten again. In a daze, I can no longer distinguish today from yesterday; today is merely a repetition of yesterday. From afternoon to midnight, I went alone to the hospital for an injury assessment, then alone to the police station to give a statement. It was the same familiar station where, five years ago, I “died.”
This is a familiar dead end, beginning with shock and ending in numbness. When violence runs through my life, there’s no need for outrage anymore. I’m no longer naive, no longer asking what kind of karmic cycle or unjust fate this is. I don’t understand, but by now, I’m too weary to seek answers.
My index finger still bears the countless red marks pressed at the Dongguan Street Police Station. About five years ago, on another exhausted dawn, I was taken from there, loaded onto a prison van, and sent to the Jinan Detention Center.
In just thirty days, I was shuffled through four different cells. Only when I was confined alone in a tiny cell, shackled in handcuffs and leg irons, did I feel a strange sense of freedom.
I truly don’t fit in this society. In the cell, I was stunned to realize that the space holding twenty or thirty people was a microcosm of the grand pyramids outside: the head inmate sat firmly at the top, commanding a few lackeys, while a group of timid, cowardly prisoners formed the base.
People like me are prone to offending those in power, even in prison. But there, the beatings were more transparent. A word from the boss, and someone would eagerly step forward. Outside, in the vast sea of people, it’s all a blur, like looking through fog.
My eyes ache, my head aches, my legs ache, my hands ache… Can this prisoner’s life finally come to an end?
